Realisation Bombs

One of the most challenging issues with being late diagnosed, and lets face it I am almost a geriatric diagnosis, is the sudden realisation that something (or more likely realisations) that happened did so as a direct result of neurodivergence. This realisation can be sudden and prompted by other occurrences, or even tangential thinking. The current issue was brought to my attention by reading that someone else, found that doing a course when working was too much. Que Lightening bolt. After I finished my nurse training, it was generally expected that you undertake further formal study. Most of these courses were at degree level and would have helped me to achieve a degree in some nursing subject. This was pushed quite a lot. Typically of me, after qualifying as an RN, I started a serious relationship and before the second anniversary of qualifying we had a baby on the way. I had not been around many babies growing up and I had beaten my sibling to the event. To say that I was apprehensive about the impending birth is an understatement. The pressure to continue with my academic studies was growing, and as I was unable to get on the much coveted 118 Teaching and Mentoring course, I decided to do the course I was really interested in. The 928 Diabetes course. I thoroughly enjoyed the course, and learned a lot and reconnected with one of my first mentors when I was studying. All went well, I did amazingly well in the course work and that left a final presentation. The Presentation was explaining the ideas behind a self-designed leaflet, including all of the supporting information and research. I had an idea, it was off the wall, but had a solid basis in research. The day before the presentation the companion of doom became overwhelming. "It's, a stupid idea. Not only that it is silly. You will fail. What's the point?" I panicked, called in sick, there was no way I could present this in front of my peers. I would fail and be humiliated. RSD in full blown glory, there protecting me from the inevitable. I remember the anxiety, the fear, the shame. Eventually I did give the presentation in front of the tutors and passed the course. It was the one and only time I completed an academic work after qualification. The overwhelm, anxiety, fear, and failure of self-esteem are all recurrent themes, added to by the arrival of more children and my inability to manage the time at home. Full time work and children is a lot. Today even in my medicated state I think that I would struggle to do this and all of my children are over 18 now. There is however, our grandchild that keeps us on our toes. This realisation occurred yesterday, it derailed my morning. Rejection sensitivity pointing gleefully - it was me. Oh well carrying on. Be well everyone.

My Journey on the ADHD drugs - so far

Titration for ADHD meds came to an end a while ago. I am now settled on Equasym 50mg daily which has fast and slow release elements to it, with a 5mg Medikinet standard release top up in the afternoon. This latter for the energy crash I was experiencing between 3 and 4 pm. During the titration due to shortages with medication I was given a similar Long-acting medication with a similar chemical profile, namely Medikinet XR 50mg. As time went on, I realised that the latter medication heightened my anxiety state and upon looking into the composition of the medication it has a slightly higher dose of immediate action medication than the Equasym. The easiest benefit to describe is from the first dose an immediate rise in my motivation to get things done. It was amazing, and it took a while for me to realise, that the little voice that has always been in my head feeding me the line, "Why are you bothering? What's the point? You don't really want to do this." was now gone. Doing even the most boring tasks was now possible. The worst side effect is my heightened awareness, of everything. Visual, audible and awareness that I am experiencing negative emotions. This last item is a revelation. Before, I have basically been blundering around and only really being aware of a deepening state of emotional imbalance by sudden explosions of anger or crippling depression. Now I am aware of the toll that certain situations take on my mental health. Noise. I know that I have always struggled with crowds of people. The noise generated by different converstaions, has always been impossible to filter out. The situation becomes overwhelming, and in the past I have withdrawn into myself, becoming steadily less interactive. I have also been known to physically remove myself from social situations, just popping outside for a breather never worked. I now know why. Buses. In the past, I have been able to travel by bus without thinking about it. However, when I reflect upon this, I would prefer to walk. I always thought that this was due to various reasons. The bus not turning up, having to wait for an extended period for a bus. Really, now I can put my finger on it: Social anxiety due to the overwhelming noise on even a partially full bus. I noticed the same issue in the GP surgery; the acoustics are awful, and even one moderately loud person becomes too much. I recently had to make a journey with my wife to an appointment. I thought I would be OK as I was with someone. It took me three days to recover, spending a lot of time in a highly anxious state. Visual. This is also true of visual stimuli. Too many visual things happening can become overwhelming. Fortunately this doesn't have the same long term effect.

Now that was interesting

Last night I fancied a beer. The medication I am on forbids alcohol so I went in search of a non-alcoholic beer.

The range was very low, but I saw an IPA and thought that this may be close to acceptable. Unfortunately it wasn't alcohol free, but at 0.5% I decided that it was so weak it wouldn't matter.

Well, I was wrong. It tasted perfect. A lovely beer. Unfortunately I did start to get some strange sensations in my head. Nothing major but enough to put me off.

Ah well.

Second Increase

Today I started on 30mg up from 20. 

I am generally doing well. When I started the 20mg last week I did experience some gastrointestinal issues. Gastric reflux and problems going to the toilet for number 2. 

I have noticed the medication wearing off in the mid-afternoon, after which I become quite tired. The benefit of this is that I am having little trouble getting to sleep.

I am also 3 weeks since I had an alcoholic drink. I miss it occasionally but nothing major. 

Blood pressure and pulse are doing really well. Nothing to worry about there.

I am back as a Market Trader now, and have realised that it is easier to focus. I am going to have to go through Access to Work and seek some help. The noise at the Market is very distracting and I am getting through notebooks at a frightening rate.

One more increase next week.

ADHD Medication titration

I have just taken my third dose of Equasym XL 10mg. Here is how it is going.

Day One

Didn't know what to expect. Psychologically I think I was apprehensive and felt it. I seemed to have a bit of pressure in my head, so concerned I took my blood pressure. It was in my normal range, so I relaxed.

I slowly started to realise that the usual reluctance to do anything that I wasn't immediately excited by was absent. I felt free from frustration for the first time in my life. I was so productive it was unreal.

The only downside was sleep. By that time the medication should have worn off, having an effective action of between 6 and 10 hours. Sleep, was elusive but unusually not due to a racing mind.

On the whole though really satisfied with it.

Day Two

First day at work as a Market Trader on medication. More organised than ever. A very slow day which would normally leave a deep set feeling of frustration. Found today to be more disappointing than frustrating. 

Tiredness very apparent today was glad to get to bed. Little trouble sleeping.

Thoughts 

So far so good. Over all very positive, but it it early days yet. Over the next 3 weeks there will be three dose increases. Time will tell.

Well that was a surprise

Hi there,

It has been a few years since my last post and I have faced some life changing events. 

Due to continued episodes of depression I left the NHS and became a Disability Assessor for PIP. I simply couldn't get my head around it and coupled with a sense of deep dissatisfaction in the process left that job. Everyone around me encouraged me to go back into the NHS but I had escaped, I was free, there was no way in hell I was going back!

Just before this I had lost my Mom to cancer, and this was thrown into the mix. I have treated a lot of terminal patients in my time, and I'd had enough.

So in the financial meltdown following this and not being able to get a job, we faced loosing the house. 

We took the decision to sell and became homeless. Shortly after this my Father took died, and we had not been on good terms at the end. Something I regret. 

In the midst of all that, I had started a business as a Market Trader and the business was slowly growing. I am proud to say we had one of the largest selections of incense in the West Midlands (UK).

Eventually, following more family drama we moved into a temporary house. It was in a state and the first week we had a bout of sickness and I for one thought I had reached the end. There is no fun in sitting sideways on a toilet so that you can use the sink as a vomit bowel. It went through the house.

We were then moved into council accommodation for a few months. Oh dear, that was dramatic. So called Road-Men, taking drugs and hanging around. Throwing fireworks at each other with no mind to anyone else that was about. Police raids chasing said knife wielding Roadsters and finally a brutal fight that did not appear to be linked to this bunch of people. 

We moved again into a bigger house and that is where we are now. Not going to lie, the neighbourhood could be better and there have been a few incidents. But nothing too onerous.

A few months after we moved in COVID hit. This was not before my wife terrified everyone on the market with the loudest sneeze possible at the beginning of February.

Lockdown was tough. Enough said the better.

After returning to the Market after lockdown things did not improve very quickly. So we decided to open a shop. In that first year we were flying but then a financial feux par on my part caused a down turn which the government, by crashing the economy, saw us eventually close the shop.

Then the bombshell.

My sibling was diagnosed with ADHD. I don't know why but it hit me like a bus. Looking into it it did make a lot of sense in hindsight. All the symptoms were there. As I researched it I began to recognise traits and two and a half years later, in my mid 50's I took was diagnosed with ADHD. I was also advised to seek a ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) assessment.

I have now commenced medication and awaiting the ASD assessment.

Life has been turned upside down, but now I am positive about the future.

Blessings