Realisation Bombs

One of the most challenging issues with being late diagnosed, and lets face it I am almost a geriatric diagnosis, is the sudden realisation that something (or more likely realisations) that happened did so as a direct result of neurodivergence. This realisation can be sudden and prompted by other occurrences, or even tangential thinking. The current issue was brought to my attention by reading that someone else, found that doing a course when working was too much. Que Lightening bolt. After I finished my nurse training, it was generally expected that you undertake further formal study. Most of these courses were at degree level and would have helped me to achieve a degree in some nursing subject. This was pushed quite a lot. Typically of me, after qualifying as an RN, I started a serious relationship and before the second anniversary of qualifying we had a baby on the way. I had not been around many babies growing up and I had beaten my sibling to the event. To say that I was apprehensive about the impending birth is an understatement. The pressure to continue with my academic studies was growing, and as I was unable to get on the much coveted 118 Teaching and Mentoring course, I decided to do the course I was really interested in. The 928 Diabetes course. I thoroughly enjoyed the course, and learned a lot and reconnected with one of my first mentors when I was studying. All went well, I did amazingly well in the course work and that left a final presentation. The Presentation was explaining the ideas behind a self-designed leaflet, including all of the supporting information and research. I had an idea, it was off the wall, but had a solid basis in research. The day before the presentation the companion of doom became overwhelming. "It's, a stupid idea. Not only that it is silly. You will fail. What's the point?" I panicked, called in sick, there was no way I could present this in front of my peers. I would fail and be humiliated. RSD in full blown glory, there protecting me from the inevitable. I remember the anxiety, the fear, the shame. Eventually I did give the presentation in front of the tutors and passed the course. It was the one and only time I completed an academic work after qualification. The overwhelm, anxiety, fear, and failure of self-esteem are all recurrent themes, added to by the arrival of more children and my inability to manage the time at home. Full time work and children is a lot. Today even in my medicated state I think that I would struggle to do this and all of my children are over 18 now. There is however, our grandchild that keeps us on our toes. This realisation occurred yesterday, it derailed my morning. Rejection sensitivity pointing gleefully - it was me. Oh well carrying on. Be well everyone.