I know you don't get it.

I know you do not get it.

On the surface I look ok. I do not have a fever, I walk and interact pretty much as normal. The problem is inside, unseen hidden from the world. You see that bed? The one you sleep in every night? Many people have the feeling that they need to stay in bed longer but are finally driven to get up, they have a family, a job, a life. Try and imagine that you have lost that motivation, that there is no point in getting up, that your contribution is pathetic, worthless in all your existence is pointless that everything you touch goes wrong or will do eventually.

Can you imagine that?

The sad thing is that I have felt like this. Not all the while it's a bit like the picture below.

You can feel pretty good, be having a good day and the slightest thing can crash your mood into a well of despair. Times like this I simply want to find a dark room and hide.

But I know you don't get it. It isn't your fault, I understand. The problem I have is that you are treating me as someone that is distracted or simply idle. You are trying to motivate me with what I could have. Where I could be if only I did ....

I wish that that was the answer but the reality is that my self esteem is non-existent. I do not even feel worthy of what you describe. I am also trying to protect myself against feeling any worse than I am at the present. You see me functioning and relatively normal but that is because I am feeling able to face the world. What you do not see is the times when I simply cannot face other people, because in those times I simply would not be there. If I am there then it is because that place is safe for me, it is lifting me.

I am not looking for sympathy. Just understanding. I am getting better but it will take some time. Please be patient.

Kind regards
St.John