1k

This is a brief one.

Just a heartfelt post to thank everyone that has read my blog. My last post sent the figures over 1000 views. Thank you.

St.John

Books part one

Having time on my hands and to take my mind off a few things I have been reading. There are various books that I have on the go and they are all of different subjects. I am even writing or continuing to write a book and a screen play. The writing is a form of therapy, I am told that being creative can help me.

I have always been a big reader. I think nothing of reading the Lord of the Rings Trilogy and have done so several times. That is generally my preferred genre, namely fantasy but I do enjoy science fiction as well. I have also been known to read biographies, usually looking for inspiration for life and these include Sir Clive Woodward and Ben Carson. Then there are books about business including Rich Dad Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki, Leading an Life by Jim Rohn amongst many others. I also enjoy history and this includes folk-lore, anything from the Anglo Saxons, Vikings and Celtic peoples and the myths and legends that surround them. Cosmology and astronomy (not to be confused with astrology which I do not believe in) are also on my reading list but I do admit that the maths behind the former baffles me. Last but not least is spirituality, this can be anything from Catholicism to Shinto. I tend not to read about things like Satanism, it does not interest me and to be honest I don't get it.

The following is the brief thoughts about the books that I am currently reading and from the title you will note that this is part one, there will be more exactly when is anybodies guess.

The first book I am reading is a fantasy book. Unless you have been hiding under a rock you will have heard of the TV series Game of Thrones this is based on a series of books by George R. R. Martin. I finished the first book back in the Spring of this year (2015) and in preparation bought the second instalment called "A Clash of Kings." I started reading this in April and just about managed to get past page 100 by the end of November. I just could not get into it and that really and I mean really irritates me. So having time on my hands (and a serious need for escapism) I set to reading this book. I am now over half way through and while I would not describe it as one of those books you aren't able to put down it is marvellous how one person can imagine something this complex and keep the story going without any mistakes in the plot. In reading about the books on line it is also apparent that there is even more complexity that I have missed and will need to read them again. Very impressive. I'd give it an 8 out of ten.

Number two is "The Book of English Magic" by Philip Carr-Gomm and Richard Heygate. I live in England and there is a conceit held by many English and even British people that there is something uniquely special about these islands. This book explores some of the history behind this sense by looking at the mysterious and uncanny beliefs that people here have held. It even tells you how to do things like dowsing and carving runes. It is easy to read but not a page turner, I read this occasionally. I'd give this one a 7 out of ten.

The last book I am currently reading is a business book called "GoPro" by Eric Worre. Unless you are in a Network Marketing business then this book is not for you. It is basically an instruction manual that gives the reader tips on how to build their business. It is also generic, and by that I mean not tied to any particular company so the tips and strategies can be used by anyone in any multi-level marketing business. This one I score a 9 out of 10.

The books above can be found at your local independent book store (if you can find one), Waterstones, Amazon and if you are in MLM/Network Marketing and are looking for business books or material about personal development then Knowledge is King is a good source of those books.

I really appreciate you reading this blog. Please feel free to comment.

Kind regards
St.John

What a difference a decade (or two) doesn't make.

In the car yesterday afternoon listening to the radio. A track that had meaning for me back in the 80's came on and I started singing along. The track was Alone by Heart. It was one of those songs from a time when I was all hormones - frothing desire and lust! The barely caged animal of reproductive need. Here's the track on Youtube

It is odd that at the time I would have moved the Earth for female companionship, if only I could have overcome my overwhelming shyness. Being alone with someone - that would have been heaven.

Now the song has new meaning.

Blessed with children it is now difficult to get time alone with my wife. Yes I would move heaven and Earth for a date night.

The more things change the more they stay the same!

Thank you for reading.

Kind regards
St.John

General update

Hello everyone. I haven't posted anything for a while. Sorry about that.

It isn't that I haven't been writing, I have written a couple of blogs but due to their nature I have felt the need to keep them private. There are simply some things that I do not want on the internet.

So here's an update.
I am off work and have been since the end of October. I am not going into details but it is due to illness. I am on the mend but have to admit that I am contemplating my future with the NHS. This is no small thing, I have worked in that institution for over 20 years and to leave would be a big step. Not one that I have made as yet. The job has changed in the years I have been doing it and I simply do not get the satisfaction in doing it any more. There is also the working conditions which seem to be deteriorating. Oh enough! I have some thinking to do.

Due to this I haven't been active with my business. Mainly as my employer would not be amused to find me doing my business while I am off ill and I am not at the point that I would be able to rely on my income from the business. This has cost me, cost me a lot.

Ok I'm getting political now so hold onto your hat (storm Desmond has divested me of mine a few times this weekend!) Yes I'm going to write about the situation in Syria. Let's do it in bullet points -

• We need to learn from history. Look at Iraq and Afghanistan. Are these notable successes?
• We can ruin the infrastructure with bombs which we will then have to pay for to rebuild!
• Innocents are going to die.
• More people are going to become refugees, increasing the exodus from that country.
• Do the government really think that the Daesh forces are going to just sit there and be bombed?
• There are groups that the government have identified as being undesirable, what if it is these groups that will fill the power vacuum?
• Oh and innocents are likely to die causing more people to be radicalised!

I am delighted that my MP voted against this madness.

Let me finish on a brighter note. The new Star Wars film is out in two weeks
SQUEEEE!

Thank you for reading
Kind regards
St.John

I know you don't get it.

I know you do not get it.

On the surface I look ok. I do not have a fever, I walk and interact pretty much as normal. The problem is inside, unseen hidden from the world. You see that bed? The one you sleep in every night? Many people have the feeling that they need to stay in bed longer but are finally driven to get up, they have a family, a job, a life. Try and imagine that you have lost that motivation, that there is no point in getting up, that your contribution is pathetic, worthless in all your existence is pointless that everything you touch goes wrong or will do eventually.

Can you imagine that?

The sad thing is that I have felt like this. Not all the while it's a bit like the picture below.

You can feel pretty good, be having a good day and the slightest thing can crash your mood into a well of despair. Times like this I simply want to find a dark room and hide.

But I know you don't get it. It isn't your fault, I understand. The problem I have is that you are treating me as someone that is distracted or simply idle. You are trying to motivate me with what I could have. Where I could be if only I did ....

I wish that that was the answer but the reality is that my self esteem is non-existent. I do not even feel worthy of what you describe. I am also trying to protect myself against feeling any worse than I am at the present. You see me functioning and relatively normal but that is because I am feeling able to face the world. What you do not see is the times when I simply cannot face other people, because in those times I simply would not be there. If I am there then it is because that place is safe for me, it is lifting me.

I am not looking for sympathy. Just understanding. I am getting better but it will take some time. Please be patient.

Kind regards
St.John

Looking for Insight

Ah a clearish day. I am unhappy to say that the old demons are back. Work got too much and snap, I broke.

This was a few weeks ago and I have had some insight as to what happened.

For some days now I have noticed that my mood went from very low to normal. It was like a wave or a tsunami. Imagine if you will a stick in the water. it is supported in such a way that it is upright. A force acts on the top of the stick forcing it down into the water occasionally making ripples. But if that force is constant and holds the stick down the ripples do not happen and water overflows out of the container. But eventually when that force is released the stick shoots up, gravity brings it down and this action on the water creates violent ripples across the surface of the water. Again this can have the effect of pushing water over the side of the container.

The water indicates the surface of emotional well being. As ripples flow across the surface these indicate if a mood is high or low. The level of the water in the container is the level of the individuals ability to cope with any given situation. Should the stick hit the base of the container then the ability to cope with a situation becomes purely a matter of will, and severe issues can result. The waves can become more violent and the changes in mood more extreme.

The interesting bit with this is that the stick is not acted upon by one thing at a time but by all life's stressors. So if one stress is released but another takes over more violent ripples occur.

That's my insight on this. I would really appreciate anyone's opinion or insight.

Kind regards
St.John

The Low Point

I was going to call this post Humpty Dumpty. My positive mind set has taken a beating again and has robbed me of my motivation.I'm not going to talk about what triggered it, I know what it was and there was it seemed precious little I could do about it. I can however endeavour to sort my thinking out and challenge the negativity. Not an easy task.

The build up of this I should have seen coming, it is one of the reasons these posts were absent in October. But it is pointless beating myself up over such things.

One exercise I have done with success in the past is to be aware of what is in my life that I am grateful for. I sit down with a pen and a piece of paper and write out a list. That list is currently very short and centres on my family.

The temtation is there to vent my dispair in full on here. There is a lot of anger that this has happened again but past experience is that the anger becomes directed inwards and makes it all worse. Going into detail about the problem concentrates the mind on the underlying mental state. You have to be ready for that, it is the only way through and the danger is that if you do it before you are ready it makes things a lot worse. You need that mental fortitude to be able to push through to get you out of the dark well of the negative thouhts.

So I absent myself from the trigger while I rebuild my defences and contemplate actions that may ultimately spare me this ugly experience.

Kind regards
St.John