A Hard One - feel free to skip.

The 23rd of July is always a difficult day. It is the day that my second eldest daughter was born and then died seven hours later. She was born at twenty four weeks. She would have been fifteen years old this year.

This isn't the first time I have written about her. The truth is I feel her with me cheering me on or putting a consoling arm around me in my triumphs and failures. I feel her presence, I choose to acknowledge her it helps abate the feeling of loss, though I do have to be careful not to become morose.

On this day though I give it over to her. My thoughts, my loss. When the Doctors told us that she could not survive it was a hammer blow. I felt like someone had ripped out a part of me and left an empty space. Looking back it almost seems that that part of me exists in that time, part of me that I have left behind in order to compensate for the experiences, the joy and the tears that have been lost in the intervening years.

I remember one very important thing that I needed to do before she passed. My wife's family have always been religious and they were able to ask a pastor to come to the hospital. He blessed our little girl but before this I called upon the ancestors of our families to witness her being named and welcome her into our family. This is something I have done will all of my children. This may seem a little strange but I take the opinion that we are all here by the grace of everyone who has gone before us.

"Lo there do I see my father;
Lo there do I see my mother, my sisters and my brothers;
Lo there do I see the line of my people, back to the beginning.
Lo, they do call me, they bid me take my place among them, in the halls of Valhalla, where the brave may live forever."

This is a quote from the 13th Warrior and was traced to an actual Viking burial. Pretty much sums up my feelings about this.

One last thing that I need to say. There were some awesome people around me at the time. Most I have lost touch with but not all. I just want to say that I am forever grateful for the support that was given at that time.

For Dannielle daughter.
For Joseph nephew.
For the other children lost to our family.

I only lost it once today. Don't think I'm going to find it 'till tomorrow.